Arthur's Lament
by Kedavra Lumos
Summary: I blame this entirely on Clell's Big Box of Silliness! Or at least most of it. That rancid meatball last night may have had something to do with it. Meanwhile, it seems Arthur has a problem that he's hoping his Healer can help him with.


Arthur's Lament

"You've got to help me, Doc!"

"Arthur, we've talked about this before. I'm a healer, not one of your Muggle doctors."

"Yes, but 'You've got to help me, Heal!' just doesn't sound as good."

"But that's what I do. I heal people. I can help heal you. I'm good at it. Just one thing; I can't heal you if you don't tell me what the problem is."

"I didn't mean … that's not … oh, never mind." Arthur shook his head, sadly. "You've got to help me, Doc! I've got kids, everywhere! Every time I turn around. I'm tripping on them, falling over them. They're eating me out of house and home! Six boys! Six! I don't know how I'm going to manage to send them all to Hogwarts!"

"So far, I'm not hearing anything that sounds like a problem for a healer."

"Not hearing a problem? Six kids! No more! I can't handle any more! I'm virile! I'm manly, damn it! I'm a Casanova to out-casa Casanova! And Molly's a sex addict! I can't keep my hands off of her. Actually, that wouldn't be such a problem. It's the other thing I can't keep off of her that causes the difficulties!"

"That's easy enough to solve, Arthur."

"No, you don't understand. We can't stop. I have to have her! She has to have me! We tried abstinence! It was the worst 24 minutes of our lives! The kids are all going to need therapy … but WE CAN'T STOP!"

"Arthur! Not abstinence. There's a spell."

"A spell? What kind of a spell?"

"A contraceptive spell. It's easy. It's safe. It prevents pregnancies. I've got a brochure here somewhere with the incantation and the wand movements."

"A spell? There's a spell? A simple spell? You mean we could have stopped after the first two? Why didn't you ever tell me this before? Do you know what I … Or did you? Maybe I lost track when I lost my mind. I blame it on the twins! It's always the twins! HELL'S CARROTS! I know they're out to …."

"Arthur! ARTHUR! Focus!" the Healer insisted! He handed the confused redhead a piece of parchment. "It's quite easy. All you have to do is cast the spell on your organ at least two minutes before having sex. Lasts for hours. One quick spell, and no more babies! It's so simple, not even you can mess it up."

"Really, Doc?" He read the parchment, and waved his wand around a couple of times. "It seems easy enough."

"Arthur, even Gilderoy Lockhart can make this one work. You should have no problem! Now get home to your wife … and learn how to relax a little!"

Arthur walked off with a smile on his face.

Nine months and two days later

"Ladies and Gentlemen," Arthur Weasley said with a pained smile, "we'd like to welcome you all this afternoon, as we present Ginevra Molly Weasley, our first daughter." He lifted the small, cloth-wrapped child in the air, holding her up where everybody could see. Polite applause followed.

"Mother and Daughter are both tired, but healthy, and doing fine." He returned her to her mother, and started to mingle. He hated all this Pureblood claptrap, but it was expected, and could impact his daughter's chances in life, later. So he made nice, as he circled the pub and exchanged small talk with his friends, colleagues, and the few random Purebloods who felt a Weasley girl after so many years was worth taking notice of.

But twenty minutes later when he managed to lead Healer Scarpula to the small room he'd requested Rosmerta to set aside for him, he was neither smiling, nor making nice.

"I blame this on you, Doc," he insisted, once the two were ensconced in the private room. "That spell of yours wasn't worth the parchment it was printed on!"

"But … but … the spell works! I know it. I use it! Most of my patients use it! It's proven!"

"Well, it sure didn't work for me!"

"You got the incantation right?"

"Just as you taught me!"

"And the wand movements?"

"They were perfect!"

"You always cast it? Never forgot?"

"Always!"

"Right on your organ, shortly before sex?"

Arthur blushed slightly. "Well, pretty much. And I've got to tell you, I got some of the strangest looks from Molly."

But the Healer caught his blush. "Pretty much?"

Arthur's blush intensified.

"Arthur!"

"I can't help it that we're poor," Arthur insisted, trying to hold on to his dignity.

"Poor? What's that got to do with anything?"

"We're poor, all right? I can't afford to go out and buy an organ. And it's almost the same thing! The Prewett Family piano's been in Molly's family for three generations! Piano … organ … it's pretty much the same thing, isn't it?"

Healer Scarpula shook his head. It seemed Arthur's problems ran far deeper than he realized.

"Arthur? That love potion Molly gave you back in seventh year … are you sure she brewed it properly?"

The End


End file.
